My Body Image Story & 'Made-up Flaw' Fixation
Earlier this week, I came across an article on Body Dysmorphia Disorder (BDD) and it made look at my own body image and how it has changed over my life. BDD is an illness involving an obsessive focus on a perceived flaw in appearance. BDD is when one sees a body flaw(s) that convinces her she looks ugly, hideous etc. People can go to extremes to fix this flaw i.e. surgery, eating disorders, etc. I compared a lesser extent of BDD to negative body image as it can be driven by a focus on the things we hate about our body. Diet culture tells us to look a certain way, and if we do not look this way, we are flawed. Hence, the term, ‘made-up flaw.’ We are not flawed my friends, diet culture fools us into think we are. I am sharing my story so we all can realize how negative diet culture is and what it has done to us. Then, we can begin to take the steps to RELEARN how to talk to ourselves, how to nourish ourselves, and ultimately, how to love ourselves more and more. Body image is the subjective picture or mental image of one's own body. It’s 100% MENTAL, and an issue of how we (our thoughts/brain) perceive our own body. So, to improve body image we need to dive into mindset, self talk and moreover, our relationship with self and our body.
Diet Culture tells us to look a certain way,
and if we do not look this way, we are flawed.
What part of your body do you (thanks to diet culture) fixate on, making you think it’s flawed?
To preface, if you know me, you know I am an advocate of body acceptance, respect, likeness and finally, love. BUT, I also preach imperfection as no one is perfect, especially not me.
My Made-up Flaw, Thanks Diet Culture
For me, ‘my made-up flaw’ came to life when I was 15 years old. Summer after Freshman year of high school, shortly after becoming a woman, (yeah me!) my once little girl ripped body turned into a still muscular but more curvy young woman. Boobs hadn’t really come in yet, but a belly pouch/bump did. Hello to my fixated flaw, my stomach, my belly, my bump, my pouch that sits right under the belly button. In reality it was small, it was healthy, but to me, it stuck out a like sore thumb. This is a common area of fixation for many as diet culture uses language like flat abs, flat stomach, six pack abs, and belly burner to tell us how we should look like, while at the same time, give us false hope on trying different ways to get rid of fat in this one area. In high school, I envied my friends with flat stomachs and stayed away from clothes that I thought showed off my little pouch. The women I saw on TV and in magazines did not have a pouch like me. AND, I was an athlete, athletes need to look like the women in Women’s Health, in the Olympics etc.
My, let’s call it more of an annoyance, continued through college. I remember, one year at Notre Dame, we had this tighter fit long-sleeved warm-up shirt we would occasionally wear. I absolutely hated this shirt as I thought it accentuated my pouch and made me look ugly. Sound familiar? It didn’t help that our team culture worshiped thinness but I envied my flat stomach teammates. Again, I didn’t go to extremes but it definitely caused a negative body image. My Stomach and my muscular arms were the two areas I wish I could change and thought most boys didn’t like those things.
As I write this, I feel so silly, so stupid for even thinking these things. Who Fing cares what guys think, what anyone thinks. How the hell did you hate your awesome muscular arm? (PS I love them now). And your stomach was TOTALLY FINE, why did you let something so small cause so many negative thoughts and anxiety. I know, I know! Seriously ridiculous but my college-age self was not as wise and definitely not as confident. I began to learn in my mid 20s that my worthiness and value has NOTHING to do with my body. That my arms are actually, something to be hella proud of and my pouch is nothing to fixate on or even waste time worrying about. But, before I knew this, my flaw fixation, this negative body image caused food rules, food anxiety, restriction/binging, and other disordered eating tendencies in my early adult life.
Sometimes I would…
Rub my hand overs my stomach, like my hands would flatten my stomach.
Suck my stomach in for a brief moment to feel skinnier
Wear pants that just come above it, inevitably keeping me ‘tight,’ ‘more flat’, hiding the pouch.
And I must confess, I sometimes catch myself doing this AND then almost slap myself to tell myself to WAKE UP! (F diet culture)
You might be saying to yourself…” Michele! You have an amazing body, you are so positive and tell us all to love ourselves more. How the heck can you think these things?” It’s not that I think these things on a daily basis but they do, sometimes, creep into my mind after. Especially when I might eat or drink more than I would have liked or if I haven’t worked out in a few days. Remember, diet culture tells us we should look a certain way, eat a certain way, exercise a certain way and if we do not, then we are flawed. I want my story to help you realize, you are not alone. Negative body image is a normal thing and most importantly, you deserve better and there is so much you have to offer. F diet culture telling you, your body isn’t perfect. No one is perfect.
Positive Body Image: What got me to where I am today?
When I left college, I also left my teams culture of thinness. It's important to note, the culture did not stem from my teammates but from the one who oversaw the entire team, who had the most power, the coach. Removing yourself from a that culture will help. Thinking about it now, I actually probably went to the best culture, playing in Germany, where there were various sizes of athletes on my team and zero culture of thinness. So, that was a huge help. My focus was enjoying Germany and all it had to offer, not what people thought about me and my body.
Back in the states and after retiring from soccer, I found CrossFit and fell in love with challenging my body and seeing all the amazing things it was capable of. I also, began working at Gatorade, learned the science behind sports nutrition and began implementing it into my daily life. The culture that surrounded me was positive, uplifting, and my confidence in myself increased. The fixation of my made-up flaw was minimal but still kept me from being a Sports bra - booty shorts CrossFit Girl. I ALWAYS had a shirt on and actually still prefer one :-)
I would also go back to school to be a dietitian and nutrition expert. My body would go through it’s greatest change, becoming a mother, and respect for the female body would multiple tenfold. And finally, I would have the opportunity to become my fittest and strongest self and actually see what it is like to not have that pouch when I competed at the CrossFit Games. I realized, that have a 6-pack is not sustainable, healthy and even though I was proud of my body, it is not worth the effort or sacrifice. #mindblown
“
I realized that having a 6-pack is not sustainable, healthy…nor make me more worthy”
Finding my Balance: Healthy & happy
I found food freedom, intuitive eating, and moving my body out of self love and respect rather than punishment. Today, I am healthy, I am free, I am strong, and I am enough. I eat nourishing foods, but also enjoy and give myself permission to eat foods and drinks that I love and that are less nutrient dense. This is my body in balance. A body without restriction, without envy, without food anxiety. When those negative thoughts find their way back into my head, I recognize them and then push, punch, kick them away. I reaffirm to myself that I am enough, I am strong, I am beautiful and most importantly, I am happy. So F off diet culture and F off telling us we should look a certain way.
My Advice for you
So, if you have a flaw that you fixate on time to time, recognize this and begin taking steps to swap this mental image. Begin telling yourself the parts your like, you love. Accept your body and everything it has given you and allowed you to do. Focus on your self talk and find a culture or support system that gives you confidence. Most importantly, remember we can have bad body image days just like bad hair days. The key is to not let is get your down and remember how far you’ve come. Start loving the process of taking care of yourself, stop fixation on your made-up flaws and rather, focus on your strengths. No one is perfect so start showing yourself more compassion, kindness and love because you deserve it!
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